Loft Conversion
 
In a quiet back street of Jerusalem lay
A nice row of houses, almost hidden away
Normally no fuss or noise in the day….
…or night, or any time
 
But one day in summer, sticky and hot
Detached and disrupted, they had the lot
At Dee and Delroy's, chaos or what ?
A preponderance of people in there
 
It's 40 degrees, it's sweaty, it's noon
What's the attraction ? I'll tell you soon
All round their house, people were strewn
Inside was a VIP
 
Jesus of Nazareth was teaching in there
Word got around so - no seats to spare
Priests of the church, couldn't get a chair
So they stood by the Pharisees
 
Wherever he went, Jesus, he took….
…the weather with him, inside it did cook
You believe me this crowded house shook
When, he spoke his wisdom
 
The people did ask him, about what he done
All of the miracles, the hearts he had won
And the fact that he claimed, to be God's Son
The atmosphere was electric !
 
The chief priests tried to catch him out
Still angered by his Sabbath bout ….
….of healing sick ones, they did shout
'You hypocrite sitting there

 The Son of God ? you're having a laugh        ..
You're not worthy to be on God's staff        ..       
You think you're too clever by half             ..
You hypocrite sitting there'                     ..
 
So the Son of God did put his point
How his messages did anoint
And sometimes put noses out of joint
Yet love was always the menu
 
Then hostess, Dee came from the rear
'Excuse me,' she said 'I've had an idea
Last week my Delroy popped into IKEA
And got these lovely meatballs'
 
The grace was said, attention shifted
Tense atmosphere, immediately lifted
'Oh, those Swedes are wonderfully gifted'
All voices said, 'Amen'
 
So the dish was passed around the guests
Devoured, well satisfied in their chests
No horsemeat, they passed all the tests
Then Dee, she made some drinks
  
What happened next you couldn't predict
From up above the sunlight flicked         
Down crashed some tiles, were they being tricked?
The floor was now in dust                                 
                                          
'Alright ?,'inquired a voice through the roof
'We've had such a job, and that's the truth
Please don't say that I'm uncouth
But I have to meet you, Jesus 
 
More rubbish in your hair and face….
….will have to fall, we need more space'
The priest, said ' what an abseloute nut case
Why not use the door ?'                                                                                                           
No response came from the man so high
Just a bigger hole to see the sky
Then a stretcher, with this crippled guy….
….was lowered in their midst
 
Was this a Monty Python sketch
Two mates did lower down this wretch
Lame of limb and arms outstretched
Eyes searching for Jesus
 
'We're sorry to interrupt in this fashion
But you see I've got this driving passion
I believe Jesus will show compassion
And help me -me name's Eric
 
We come all the way from Birmingham
I wanted to come here on that new tram
But too many road works messed our plan….
…. so we ended up on the outer circle'
 
An angry priest stared in his cup
Said 'because of you, no more I'll sup
Go with your friends, go float back up
There's dust in my PG Tips'
 
The priest continued with abuse
'Crawl away, your legs ain't much use
Yer legless.' That did light a fuse
Crippled Eric said 'wrong, ain't touched a drop
 
I just dropped down because I knew
That Jesus sat amongst all you
The door was blocked, we couldn't get through
We had to find a way'
               
All eyes turned from this crippled bloke
To Jesus, Master Physician, who then spoke
His words did make the priests all choke
Get a load of this
 
'I forgive your sins,' silence hit the air
Show-stopping, jaw-dropping, words hung there
Seconds passed, a priest said 'how dare….
….you blaspheme here today'
 
This exchange between Jesus and church
Knocked the official off his perch
'How dare you, my God's name besmirch
Only he can forgive'
 
'Well, okay' said Jesus 'you tell me
Which are the easier words to be….
….what I just said or,verily
Go, get up and walk ?
 
I fear your silence just says that….
…. you don't believe, you smell a rat
So I say to this man, you leave your mat     
Go, run off home, right now !'                     ..
 
Crippled, Eric confused and weak
Listened to this and tried to speak
This motionless, bewildered freak
Was centre stage right there
 
The sun above, came through the hole
And threw a spotlight on this soul
He hoped his faith would make him whole
And do what Jesus said
               

Harry's Treasure
 
This Harry's car was big and posh
Quite obvious he had some dosh
His house was large with many rooms
And many walls, so one assumes
Upon these walls stood many frames
With famous things by famous names
 
For many years our Harry went
Around the world. His money spent….
….on masterpieces - works of art
Such paintings that would look the part
Hanging round his lovely place
Nicely filling every space
 
He thought them investments, assets
He had all sorts like Bertie Bassett
Monets, Michael Angelos
Rembrants, Van Goghs,  Picassos
Beautifying his mansion home
Shame that Harry lived alone
 
Even sadder was the saddest news
One day Harry joined the queues
Of people going up to heaven
'cos whilst on holiday in Devon….
….he choked upon a piece of nougat
And immediately he kicked the bucket
 
No more art galleries for Harry
No more Renoirs for him to carry
Just a long eternity stretching out
Into the distance, there's no doubt….
….his faith had given him a hope
And saved him from the slippery slope
The pearly gates before him stood
Where all the wise and great and good….
….have entered. Now t'was Harry's turn
St Peter looked - his eyes did burn
'No way you're comin through this gate
Can't come in here, go do one mate'
 
Harry couldn't believe his ears
Began fighting back the tears
'Please check your list, I must be there
This is God's house it's mine to share'
St Peter banged his clipboard loud
'I'll tell you why you're not allowed
 
Do you think I was born yesterday
Call me naïve but hear me say
That shopping trolley that you pull
I notice it's completely full….
….of paintings which you bought on earth
How many millions are they worth ?
 
We have strict rules on what folks bring
I'm afraid you can bring - well, nothing
If I let you in, I know for starters
My boss would have my guts for garters
So you ain't comin' through this gate
So off you go, and do one mate'
 
St.Peter's words were hammer blows
Changed Harry's happiness to woes
'Please let me bring in one or two
A Gauguin and Van Dyck will do
Forever they will beautify
My new mansion in the sky
  
God knows that I am not a crook
He'll come and have a butcher's hook
He'll be so glad I take a pride….
….in where I live. He will decide….
So please Sir, let me bring these in
It won't exactly be a sin'
 
St Peter's fuse was getting short
And he kept scratching on his wart
There was a queue, so he replied
'Please understand that Jesus died
And His love, it knows no measure
Inside these gates should be your treasure
 
Outside you leave your former self
Your house, your car, your clothes, your wealth
If you still need what's in that trolley
You must be such a huge great wally
And you'll never get inside this gate
So I beg you, go do one mate
 
Next one please,' St. Peter did holler
Poor Harry, confused, thought who to foller
But then everyone heard a noise behind
All turned to see, and then did find
A right commotion, seems we got
A needle and a camel ……..what ?