Loft Conversion
In a quiet back street of Jerusalem lay A nice row of houses, almost hidden away Normally no fuss or noise in the day…. …or night, or any time But one day in summer, sticky and hot Detached and disrupted, they had the lot At Dee and Delroy's, chaos or what ? A preponderance of people in there It's 40 degrees, it's sweaty, it's noon What's the attraction ? I'll tell you soon All round their house, people were strewn Inside was a VIP Jesus of Nazareth was teaching in there Word got around so - no seats to spare Priests of the church, couldn't get a chair So they stood by the Pharisees Wherever he went, Jesus, he took…. …the weather with him, inside it did cook You believe me this crowded house shook When, he spoke his wisdom The people did ask him, about what he done All of the miracles, the hearts he had won And the fact that he claimed, to be God's Son The atmosphere was electric ! The chief priests tried to catch him out Still angered by his Sabbath bout …. ….of healing sick ones, they did shout 'You hypocrite sitting there The Son of God ? you're having a laugh .. You're not worthy to be on God's staff .. You think you're too clever by half .. You hypocrite sitting there' .. So the Son of God did put his point How his messages did anoint And sometimes put noses out of joint Yet love was always the menu Then hostess, Dee came from the rear 'Excuse me,' she said 'I've had an idea Last week my Delroy popped into IKEA And got these lovely meatballs' The grace was said, attention shifted Tense atmosphere, immediately lifted 'Oh, those Swedes are wonderfully gifted' All voices said, 'Amen' So the dish was passed around the guests Devoured, well satisfied in their chests No horsemeat, they passed all the tests Then Dee, she made some drinks What happened next you couldn't predict From up above the sunlight flicked Down crashed some tiles, were they being tricked? The floor was now in dust 'Alright ?,'inquired a voice through the roof 'We've had such a job, and that's the truth Please don't say that I'm uncouth But I have to meet you, Jesus More rubbish in your hair and face…. ….will have to fall, we need more space' The priest, said ' what an abseloute nut case Why not use the door ?' No response came from the man so high Just a bigger hole to see the sky Then a stretcher, with this crippled guy…. ….was lowered in their midst Was this a Monty Python sketch Two mates did lower down this wretch Lame of limb and arms outstretched Eyes searching for Jesus 'We're sorry to interrupt in this fashion But you see I've got this driving passion I believe Jesus will show compassion And help me -me name's Eric We come all the way from Birmingham I wanted to come here on that new tram But too many road works messed our plan…. …. so we ended up on the outer circle' An angry priest stared in his cup Said 'because of you, no more I'll sup Go with your friends, go float back up There's dust in my PG Tips' The priest continued with abuse 'Crawl away, your legs ain't much use Yer legless.' That did light a fuse Crippled Eric said 'wrong, ain't touched a drop I just dropped down because I knew That Jesus sat amongst all you The door was blocked, we couldn't get through We had to find a way' All eyes turned from this crippled bloke To Jesus, Master Physician, who then spoke His words did make the priests all choke Get a load of this 'I forgive your sins,' silence hit the air Show-stopping, jaw-dropping, words hung there Seconds passed, a priest said 'how dare…. ….you blaspheme here today' This exchange between Jesus and church Knocked the official off his perch 'How dare you, my God's name besmirch Only he can forgive' 'Well, okay' said Jesus 'you tell me Which are the easier words to be…. ….what I just said or,verily Go, get up and walk ? I fear your silence just says that…. …. you don't believe, you smell a rat So I say to this man, you leave your mat Go, run off home, right now !' .. Crippled, Eric confused and weak Listened to this and tried to speak This motionless, bewildered freak Was centre stage right there The sun above, came through the hole And threw a spotlight on this soul He hoped his faith would make him whole And do what Jesus said |
Harry's Treasure
This Harry's car was big and posh Quite obvious he had some dosh His house was large with many rooms And many walls, so one assumes Upon these walls stood many frames With famous things by famous names For many years our Harry went Around the world. His money spent…. ….on masterpieces - works of art Such paintings that would look the part Hanging round his lovely place Nicely filling every space He thought them investments, assets He had all sorts like Bertie Bassett Monets, Michael Angelos Rembrants, Van Goghs, Picassos Beautifying his mansion home Shame that Harry lived alone Even sadder was the saddest news One day Harry joined the queues Of people going up to heaven 'cos whilst on holiday in Devon…. ….he choked upon a piece of nougat And immediately he kicked the bucket No more art galleries for Harry No more Renoirs for him to carry Just a long eternity stretching out Into the distance, there's no doubt…. ….his faith had given him a hope And saved him from the slippery slope The pearly gates before him stood Where all the wise and great and good…. ….have entered. Now t'was Harry's turn St Peter looked - his eyes did burn 'No way you're comin through this gate Can't come in here, go do one mate' Harry couldn't believe his ears Began fighting back the tears 'Please check your list, I must be there This is God's house it's mine to share' St Peter banged his clipboard loud 'I'll tell you why you're not allowed Do you think I was born yesterday Call me naïve but hear me say That shopping trolley that you pull I notice it's completely full…. ….of paintings which you bought on earth How many millions are they worth ? We have strict rules on what folks bring I'm afraid you can bring - well, nothing If I let you in, I know for starters My boss would have my guts for garters So you ain't comin' through this gate So off you go, and do one mate' St.Peter's words were hammer blows Changed Harry's happiness to woes 'Please let me bring in one or two A Gauguin and Van Dyck will do Forever they will beautify My new mansion in the sky God knows that I am not a crook He'll come and have a butcher's hook He'll be so glad I take a pride…. ….in where I live. He will decide…. So please Sir, let me bring these in It won't exactly be a sin' St Peter's fuse was getting short And he kept scratching on his wart There was a queue, so he replied 'Please understand that Jesus died And His love, it knows no measure Inside these gates should be your treasure Outside you leave your former self Your house, your car, your clothes, your wealth If you still need what's in that trolley You must be such a huge great wally And you'll never get inside this gate So I beg you, go do one mate Next one please,' St. Peter did holler Poor Harry, confused, thought who to foller But then everyone heard a noise behind All turned to see, and then did find A right commotion, seems we got A needle and a camel ……..what ? |